Sipping coffee and scanning the news from a distance. RBG has made quite an impact on our lives- helping in ways most do not realize. I hope that her legacy is honored for a long time, and that people vote like their lives depended on it. AntiFascist- ones that stand against fascism, antifa. This term is being demonized by the very people who worship Jesus- a true antifascist- who by throwing out the money changers (as it impeded the average persons access to the temple without a fee) showed the hypocrisy and turned over their tables.

RBG also turned over preverbial tables, working to allow women to have bank accounts and mortgages without a male, without a husband.

​So i light a candle.

Last night I was attending a zoom meeting at 1900 hours as we shared experience, strength and hope. During the meeting a notification appeared indicating that RBG had succumbed to pancreatic cancer. It was right at sundown, the beginning of Rosh Hashanah.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg was an amazing woman, one who symbolized dissent in an era of wrong decisions, who symbolized reason and upholding the rule of law to ensure that it fairly represented all people, not just white males. I have been a fan for many years, and remember when she was seated on the Supreme Court, being the second woman justice.

I had the honor of meeting her and speaking with her while she was a guest at The Grove Park Inn Resort and Spa. She was there with her husband as a guest of the NC Bar Association. She was mild mannered and spoke softly, much different than I had imagined. She was small framed, and seemed delicate. She was far from delicate.

​Rest in Power. Thank you for your tireless service to your country.






​

Greetings from an overcast Friday afternoon. The coffee is delicious as I review the modifications required to make my research paper comply with APA format. They apparently updated the criteria into APA version 7, and everything I knew from previous papers and proper citations is now no longer accurate. Needless to say I have some revisions ahead of me tonight.

Today I am a little pensive, thinking back over the past year, and also looking forward to what lies ahead. It is Jewish New Year, Rosh Hashana- welcome 5781. May the shofar blowing dispel the various forms of evil that permeate our planet currently. That my sobriety anniversary falls on a new moon, and at the beginning of a new year seems fortuitous. I say prayers for the magical blue eyed beings. I still wish for MPS all of the love, joy and happiness that I would want for myself. He has been a major, albeit unknowing, driving force in my sobriety, as well as having played a role ultimately in my desire to become a nurse. I sometimes wonder what he would think of this undertaking.

In watching a video last evening by Joseph Campbell, I was truck by a line- it has come back to me repeatedly- “God is a metaphor that absolutely transcends all human categories of thought.” Funny how we humans try so often to place everything into a bento box. I know I am guilty of it on many occasions as I attempt to make something fall into an existing schema. I like to revisit the various videos to help keep things moving in my noggin. I also keep revisiting the words of Alan Watts- I discovered Campbell while a student at Berea. I discovered the words/works of Watts in my journey of sobriety. Watts was a superbly intellectual and well read man who had the ability to recite, quote and present with ease and even a slight air of distinction. A light British accent presenting the wisdoms of Asiatic traditions has a certain appeal to me. In the past few years I discovered some dubstep remixes that incorporate his lectures. Needless to say they make for great driving tunes. Watts also had some tremendous quotes that I attempt to commit to memory. Gems like:

• ​Trying to define yourself is like trying to bite your own teeth.
  


• The only way to make sense out of change is to plunge into it, move with it, and join the dance.
  
• 
  
• I have realized that the past and future are real illusions, that they exist in the present, which is what there is and all there is.
  
• 
  
• Never pretend to a love which you do not actually feel, for love is not ours to command.
  
• 
  
• No valid plans for the future can be made by those who have no capacity for living now.
  
• 
  
• You and I are all as much continuous with the physical universe as a wave is continuous with the ocean.
  
• 
  
• Zen does not confuse spirituality with thinking about God while one is peeling potatoes. Zen spirituality is just to peel the potatoes.
  
• 
  
• You don't look out there for God, something in the sky, you look in you.
  
• 
  
• But I'll tell you what hermits realize. If you go off into a far, far forest and get very quiet, you'll come to understand that you're connected with everything.
  
• 
  
• But the attitude of faith is to let go, and become open to truth, whatever it might turn out to be.
  

I am currently enjoying a day off, actually, my second of four days off, in a row. This week has been interesting- the milieu changes so drastically in a short order by merely replacing a character or two. I am thankful for the change. A bad milieu is like dirty socks- after a while everyone smells the stench, and it is time for a change.

For my time off I got to prepare for and undergo my first colonoscopy. To say that was irritating and unpleasant is an understatement. On the flip side, no cancerous things, one polyp and no need to repeat for say, five years. I will take it. Laying low today and attempting to update the formatting on my paper. I am so easily distracted- and there is not a shiny thing in sight on this dreary day. Even the butterflies are laying low.

I will cut it short, and venture into my late afternoon/early evening. Ciao.

The cave that you fear to enter, holds the treasure that you seek- Joseph Campbell

This quote appears repeatedly on this journey, popping up like a road sign of upcoming attractions. This is the week of an anniversary in my life, a quite meaningful anniversary, actually. 13 years ago this week, life changed. It started out as a typical night out with a partner, and ended with me in handcuffs and him headed to the hospital. That marked the last night of drinking / drugging for Tim. Much has transpired in the years between then and now. The journey has been fascinating; wrought with laughter, tears, contemplation and growth. 13 years ago this week I sat in a jail cell charged with “felonious assault with a deadly weapon with the intent of causing serious bodily injury” for hitting a man with a broom. I also resisted the arresting officer apparently. Mouthy drunks with a sense of indignity coupled with entitlement...It made for a not so pleasant intake at the jail, as I was convinced in my drunkenness that I was going to die.

So I sit here sipping coffee. I work as a nurse in a drug and alcohol treatment center. I witness daily the impacts of the insanity that was once my life. The bargaining, the negotiating of using. The deals made. The laughable conclusions: not drinking liquor because it makes me blackout, and then wonder what happened when the blackout hit after a bottle of Chasagne Montrachet. I can aid others by supporting them on their journeys. Sometimes that involves bearing witness in silence, sometimes that involves sharing my experience, strength and hope.

I have much gratitude for all that has happened. I still say a prayer for that partner I hit with a broom. We have not spoken since that night, sadly. I often hope that will change, that time will soften the stories and interpretations we have told ourselves. Time will tell. So for now I will sip my coffee, work on finishing my homework, and pack a lunch. The 3pm-11pm shift is a full one- the population changes so frequently as the cycle of a 14 day stay starts and ends.
​

On this day in 1986, I moved to Asheville. I had met Hayes on 22 June 1986. We dated, and then decided to move in together.

This day comes with a wide variety of emotions. 34 years worth.

So here I am, four years after my last post. Much has happened since then- I will give you the short version-

My time on the psychiatric unit was life changing. It led me to think seriously about becoming a nurse. I started off becoming a certified nursing assistant, then transferred to the Emergency Department to work as an ED Technician. I went to school, hammered away at prerequisites. I applied to nursing school, and I got in.

Nursing school was difficult- I began in January 2018. Semesters, minimesters, exams, study groups and clinical rotations. I met some amazing folks. My hospital was purchased in 2019, and we went from a not for profit to a for profit entity overnight. I interviewed and was offered a position in the New Graduate Nurse Residency for the Emergency Department. I graduated December 2019. I took the NCLEX in January 2020. Things began to change subtly in the ED. A virus started ravaging China, Asia and was rapidly moving.

One of my clinical sites had been at a state operated drug and alcohol treatment center. I enjoyed it, and it moved with my life, my experiences, and my recovery. I saw an opening and interviewed- never expecting to be offered a nursing job as an inexperienced new grad. I interviewed in January. They liked me, they offered me a job with comparable monies and better benefits. I accepted and resigned from Mission.

I began in March, working with a preceptor, learning the ways of a rehab. A rehab that has a large percentage of psychiatric issues that come through the door. In the midst of a viral outbreak that has everyone sheltered in place at home. While a reality TV persona threatens, berates, and goes against media, experts, common sense and decency. It is a very strange world. I feel as though I have entered the pages of a Stephen King novel.

​

After much thought, prayer, meditation I decided to leave my state job after three years.
And while I loved the people, the residents and the memories, I decided that a hostile work environment was not for me. I interviewed for a position with Mission and was hired.
So i am now a Behavioral Health Technician. I work in a locked unit helping to ensure safety and helping to reinforce a therapeutic milieu. My decades of hospitality experience meld well here.
The schedule is three, twelve hour shifts between 7p and 7am. I'm still transitioning- as my brain likes daytime hours- being a morning person has been my life for a long time-

"At the moment of the wakening to love, an object, apparently without, 'passes [in the words of Joyce] into the soul forever.…And the soul leaps at the call. To live, to err, to fall, to triumph, to recreate life out of life!' "
Joseph Campbell, The Masks of God, Volume IV: Creative Mythology


Saturday morning, dark and early. Savoring strong coffee in the wee hours, contemplating life. 

I am a little sad. Plans kept being canceled with a handsome young devil. I felt something was afoot, but quelled my fears reassuring myself that I don't know whats really happening. I am after all engaging with a man who has one quarter of a centuries worth of life experience, perhaps honoring commitments isn't really a big thing, or maybe snow, school, work really do have a way of thwarting.

So I got home after a meeting and dinner with a friend, curious as to why I had no word from J. We were to have dinner, but a short text indicated he had to work through dinner break. I guess I had hoped for some sort of followup, an explanation, an attempt to reschedule, something. Of course my ego plays into this equation wholeheartedly, as it is wont to do. Crickets. SO I sent a message saying I hope his night got better, and the response was cryptic- rat race and mouse traps. I asked if there was a chance to see him, and his response was "not in the near future unfortunately." Guilt, shame, fear, family, obligations, parents paying for 2nd college, religion. Bam. The injured part of me lashed out saying "that  I am sure I won't be the only man at the weekend  house. I hope they are gentle with you." I am definitely not evolving in a manner that I'd like, as I can quickly revert to some vicious faggot with little provocation, when my feelings get hurt. 

I laid low most of the week, savoring the attentions I had been receiving. I enjoyed the rush of chemicals, I enjoyed the newness. J is an interesting mix of wholesomeness with a twist of kink and fetishism. His penchant for underwear (and man does he wear them well), and his familiarity with pornography have, I think, warped his thinking in regards to human sexuality. I wonder if most of his generation will be trying to rectify reality with that which has been created for our viewing pleasure.

So this beautiful man will wander off to complete a degree, struggling to hide and change what he is. Many in this situation have gone before him, many have had the same tale. I wonder if it will be his as well? He will become more involved in his church. He will meet a nice girl. They will be married. He will meander into trysts with men. They will have children. His parents and family will be happy. He will unhappy. His job will take him out of town. He will play. He will become sullen and detached at home. He will become more involved with his church. And a negative feedback loop is created and reinforced. 

And so I say thank you to the universe. A brief encounter with a blue eyed beauty has enriched my life. It makes me look internally and see that while progress has been made, I still have a ways to go.

Waking early, as normal, to a light dusting of snow. Sipping coffee and watching as night gradually turns to morning.

Plans last night were interrupted by falling snow. I waited around in town, only to hear that it was getting bad out his way. A few minutes later it started at my location. I headed home to blue skies and sunshine. The universe has other plans. We chatted via text until 11 or so. Nice, some playful, some serious, some sexual. We had plans to meet this morning before he went to work- his first stop morphed into much more and now we're slated for dinner. 

One my way home last night I chatted with M. That didn't go so well. We each experienced the same situation differently. It is not the first time. I am apparently in the wrong. That too is not the first time. An outburst directed at a newbie was inappropriate in my opinion. I am allowed to have an opinion. It was not kind, was not necessary, and was not in fact truthful. Couple the outburst to the negative talk about the same person over dinner a few nights earlier, and I see things a little differently. 

I've been pretty low key- coming back home to conserve resources, but also coming home because I was disappointed. I am also filled with so many doubts and find myself wondering WTF?

I am 47. I am being chased by someone 25. 25 and deeply devoted to faith and family. 25 and a hostage- emotionally, and financially to a belief system that differ radically from his own life. 25 and he has been convinced that being gay is a choice and that if his faith is strong enough, he too can be straight. This has all the trappings of heartbreak. Maybe a good screenplay. I am attracted to him- I enjoy him, his company. I would enjoy bearing witness to his journey. I would like to join him. 

So, am I delusional? Am I riding that train, high on dopamine, oxytocin, and a myriad of other chemicals rushing through my body, flooding my brain? Does my heart race thinking of him, yes. I notice too that I respond with disappointment when plans don't jive. Is disappointment normal? My ability to bounce back from that is not as quick as I would like, and I really don't like that feeling. 

So I am seeing a possible pattern here. I like being with someone. I like being flooded with the chemicals involved with meeting someone, cuddling, kissing, making out, making plans. I enjoy the sense of joy and well being that accompany such things. 

Like my experience with MPS. Being mostly flooded with joy, well being, desire, connection. Reinforced by kissing, making out, making love. Getting drunk, sometimes arguing, having threats of leaving, being bombarded with negative emotions, having the fear of him leaving reactivated regularly. That sucked. Making up erased all of that. Holding him, kissing him, making love. Cycle that out over two years, and voila it ended. Suddenly,violently.  The negative emotions trigger separation anxiety, fear of losing something, and several other not so logical scenarios. My brain can ride the high of "we're having dinner" only to plan a suicide car crash when those plans change within a few minutes. So is it being flooded and then the sudden removal of the chemicals causing the switch? Is this somehow exacerbated by chantix and not smoking for 10 days or so? 

Mindfulness helps. Meditation helps. Contemplating time with J seems to also help- and I experience this very odd and wonderful sensation when I do. Associating the joyful with him though also seems to reinforce the negative side when things happen differently than I want, hope or plan.

SO here I am- 47 and incapable of interacting intimately with other humans. Wanting it so badly, and being completely ineffective in the execution. I am a stunted man :-)

And so it goes... maybe some more coffee will help....