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my journey through words and images.

3 out of 4

8/11/2014

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Waking to a cool September morning. The scent of rain lingers in the air. 

It is Friday morning, 5am. I am sipping coffee and beginning the day. It has been an interesting week. My belly is calming down and returning to normalcy. 

Interactions with the magical blue eyed vanishing man have been sluggish  and strange to say the least. Plans to meet on Monday were met with death threats by Prince Otter. I waited in town for him to arrive and  finally returned home. Later I received a message that when he attempted to leave, PO said he would kill himself. Plans were made for Tuesday. Tuesday arrived, again a no show. The reason was given that PO had driven the car over a log while parking and it was stuck. Plans were made for Wednesday. He showed up. We met at Sbux and chatted slightly as another friend was there. James had an obligation downtown and asked me to go with him. I did. We had dinner with another friend which was lovely- it had been a while since i enjoyed a good Thai meal.We left dinner and went to the botanical gardens at UNCA. It was dark, We talked. He played the guitar for me and sang a new dark, sad song. The discrepancies in his tale and inconsistencies were discussed. 

He spoke of being scared and of running. He spoke of loving me, He told of fear and trying to care for PO. He said he missed m. We kissed. The spark was still there. He returned to Home on the Hill with me. We talked and held each other. The feeling of being held by him and of holding him was wonderful. The weirdness of the two previous weeks melted away. There lingered on him a strange chemical smell and taste that I can not identify. Sleeping next to him was peaceful and calming. 

We awoke to begin my day. He is not a morning person and in fact would like nothing more than to sleep until noon or later, and stay up until the wee hours. His incoherent rant about mornings, dreams and life at 6 am were amusing, albeit dark. His forecast for humanities is tinted by his dreams that foresee a mass extinction, death and disease. Something switched in route and he gabbed my hand, repeatedly thanked me and told me that he loved me. We shared beverages at Sbux before I headed to work. We discussed getting together after  work and him staying with me again tonight. 

The work day was difficult as the previous days waking hours far outweighed the rest. I trudged on. At lunch I noticed I had missed a call. I called him and he state she had butt dialed me. We chatted. He said he was going to interact with PO and help him get into treatment on the condition that he wrote a letter discussing a desire for sobriety. He asked that I stay in town because he would like to see me after work.

I arrived at Sbux like normal and met with a friend, and then another. I tried to call a few times and he did not answer. I ran some errands and around 6:30 headed home. He called and we chatted. The demeanor and words were completely changed. Our paths were different. He loved me but not romantically. I asked about how he could change so quickly from this morning and this afternoons reassurances of love to his newfound utterances of contradictions. He is twenty and his moods are shifted by the omens and interactions of his world.  Plans were made for Saturday. I asked forgiveness for having expectations. He said I was helping him to be a better human.

So I sip my coffee and realize that I am venturing into this with the idea that maybe this time will be different. Einsteins words come to mind about insanity. I guess I have a better understanding about being crazy in love. My rational brain says run like hell and my heart intercede with the advice to love him, and be patient.  I am stuck somewhere in the middle. I am also realizing that if I decide to continue with this interactions I need to find a higher level of acceptance when his words and actions are not congruent. I need also remind my self frequently that I am interacting with a being whose life experiences are different than my own and that the 26 spins around the sun that separate us are in fact real. 

I thank the universe for the lessons, the teachers, the experiences. I see that having a 20 year old boyfriend is not a good idea, and that having a 20 year lover could be. How to separate my heart from my groin, as they have tended to run in unison for the span of my adult years. He is a beautiful man with whom I have connected. He is a teacher. I am the student. Acceptance is the answer... it is as it is....


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