approaching 7 years

I'm finding myself on the cusp of a milestone. My seventh year of this journey of sobriety began on September 17th, 2007. I came-to in a solitary jail cell on a concrete pad, no blanket. While the linen shorts and cashmere sweater looked good, the bare feet and soulless eyes that were reflected back to from the stainless steel toilet screamed a resounding cry for help. It was then and there that this man fell to his knees and asked for relief. In my mind I was asking to die. Little did I comprehend that there would be a death of sorts; the way I had been living was not working anymore. I began anew. New friends, playgrounds, path. The phoenix rising...

So I ponder life after 46 spins around the sun, and nearly seven anniversaries of seeing that reflection. 

I am still a hot mess. A seemingly benign summer tryst with a twenty year old has found me behaving badly. The instinct of fear keeps popping its ugly head. I don't do well with fear. I find myself anguishing that the tryst failed to fall for me in the same manner that I fell for him. My reactions are poor. Jealousy, anger, resentment, lashing out, belittling. Generally being a shit because my wants are not being realized, that something I had is not lasting. I could go into the self justification using words, honesty and etc, but the fact remains that I fell in love with someone. It is not recipricated in the same manner. That should be the end, but my mind takes it far beyond rational.

I must remember that my mind is a dangerous place and that relationships are gifts, not possessions. There is nothing to sooner make a fear of abandonment come to pass than acting like a fool. I can easily become the self fulfilling prophecy and create both doom and gloom.

And luckily for me, this beautiful being loves me. He displays love, compassion, attentiveness and honesty that far outweigh his age, Im envious in fact that I am reducing myself to a blithering idiot slinging barbs and jabs and he stands calm. He lives his life. He loves generously. He is a formidable teacher and I am thankful.

So I see that I got off beam. Now to get back...slowly by surely.