The first day of summer is here. Solstice 2014. It brings tidings of the wheel turning. 

It also brings memories of Hayes to mind for me- as it was June 22, 1986 when we met at a gay pride bazaar held at Trax nightclub, and sponsored by The Fun in the Sun Club (Rosie, Steve, Bob, Heather, Tony). I used to have a tshirt from that day.

It was June 24, 2004 when he died. Needless to say, June remains a difficult month for me, and this week is loaded with memories.

Love thyself, heal thyself, and nurture thyself all come to mind. 

I have many memories involving Andrews Geyser in Old Fort, NC- some good, some not so good. 

I woke thinking of a trek from 2011, June 29- where I hiked with a friend above the geyser on the train tracks. It was a fun day.

Monday morning. Coffee is ready before my alarm goes off. The house is quiet. My brain is squishy.

The distance between Friday afternoon and Monday morning does not seem proportionate to the distance between Monday morning and Friday afternoon. The weekend passes so quickly.

Waking to a Sunday morning. The sound of the ceiling fan whirling mixes with the sound of the coffee pot pumping. The smell of coffee wafts  through the house. I am watching out my bedroom window as the various shades of green come into focus, how the shapes and hues of leaves change as dawn arrives from night, as day slowly awakens.

The past few days have found me filled with discontent. It has been twenty one days since I stopped smoking, and yesterday I gave in to my insane mind and had one. It was horrible,  and tasted disgusting and yet having one somehow quieted that part of my brain that seemed to be causing a raucous.

Also adding to my level of discontent has been a newfound interaction that was of a potential romantic slant. I met a nice guy, we had coffee, went for a walk, had dinner, had brunch with his friends. All seemed to be going well. I was honest with my path- of not drinking or drugging. He indicated a few different ways that he was leaving his party boy days behind him. I enjoyed our conversations, and found it interesting to be interacting with someone so involved with TV, fashion, and music.

As I have many friends in recovery that have relationships with people who are not on this journey, I am not overly concerned when I meet someone who drinks. As the week progressed, the drunk interactions began. A thirty eight minute phone conversation left me frazzled, confused and a little resentful. While I desire to show love and tolerance, I also must practice self care and not accept every invitation I receive to engage with crazy. Needless to say, engaging with inebriation and codependent behaviour reminds me of a previous version of myself, I guess. I am thankful to be able to recognize the transition between then, and now- here versus there, and I am thankful for the reminder to continue forward.

This interaction and the feelings experienced reminds of another time and place. I am thinking of the garden I began planting in West Asheville. In the spring of 2008 I was struggling, I was dazed and confused, hurt and lonely, scared and remorseful, resentful and fear-filled. I began digging. With every feeling that made me uncomfortable, I dug. I amended the soil. I expanded the beds. What started as bare grass, became a swath of tilled soil, a path, a ribbon of planted, flowering loveliness. I found peace in that creation of sacred space. 

So fast forward a few years to the spring of 2014. I am feeling a few of those same feelings. I am in a new place, living with a friend, learning about myself and interacting with others. The reminder to work on my garden is timely- to create and nurture the sacred space, to tend to it and myself.  Thank you universe for the reminders.

Hanging out with a new friend for a few days this week- coffee led to a walk around the bird sanctuary, dinner at Chai Pani and late afternoon at the Skybar. He smokes my brand- the familiar lime green American Spirits... And still I'm not smoking. Today is 14 days. I still have the desire for one- with coffee, and after food especially - the Chantix helps, but the moodiness and sudden unprovoked rage have hit a few times. Being aware helps.

There is nothing to educate me more about myself and areas needing improvement within, than with hanging out and interacting with another human. The intimate connection of sharing time, space, stories, meals, etc has a way of illuminating internally things that may need my attention, work and change.

On the flip side, there is something healing and soothing about holding someone, sleeping entwined, cuddling, smooching- it really does my brain a world of good. 

The lessons continue. I am thankful to be teachable today. We shall see where this goes. I am thankful to not be my former self, rushing ahead, getting lost and creating havoc.