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Our anniversary again. The day I moved to Asheville in 1986 to begin my life with Hayes. Eleven years after you died and the day still fucks with me- still throws me into a funk. I vasculliate between gratitude and sadness-trying hard to avoid an impending abyss I sense not far away. It seems tears could flow. Seems they could flow fiercely. And yet they don't. They appear in the corners of my eyes and then evaporate. I can not remember the last time I cried. It is Saturday. I'm working another wedding. I'm bummed. I'm in need of cash so I have to show up. I'm uncomfortable. Very uncomfortable. The mere thought of being happy for someone else on what was(is?) my anniversary seems odd. It makes me edgy. Not a good head space to find myself.
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Yup, you're in my thoughts, prayers & dreams. You influence every aspect of my life- Day 6 not smoking and I haven't killed anyone yet- I have, however, compiled a list of candidates- Funny how long I've been battling this- wanting to stop.  |
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