Rabbit, Rabbit, Rabbit

Waking to a cool September morning. Thoughts of a young man are on my mind. My belly is still in an uproar. 

It seems that my fun summer fling has come grindingly to a halt. No communication beyond what appeared as a drunk text on Friday night has left me scratching my head.  It was a fun 6 weeks, it taught me a lot about the generosity of young spirits, the joys of lovingly running my fingers through my lovers hair, the passions ignited and how night can quickly become morning when you sleep and wake next to a person with whom you love. The jump into silence has been hurtful and has really lacked any transition, although I sensed its approach. I had hoped that the 26 years between our experiences could be bridged by communication. While all of this sounds good in theory, its day to day integration into lives and circumstances seems more daunting and difficult. The youthful spirit and vitality and their subsequent pursuit of ideals held dear do not really make a lasting union possible. 

So he moves into the category of the amazing vanishing men- joining the ranks of a few other men with whom I have known and felt strongly about over the past nearly seven years. I smile mostly. I am sad, but try to cling to the gratitude of the experiences shared.

A holiday weekend is closing. Monday morning finds me sipping coffee and listening to Spotify. The coffee shop station is tugging at my heart strings as the playlist reminds me of James. The acoustic guitars, the lyrics. I can't help but wonder where he is, whats going on, where is he sleeping, has he eaten...The silence is deafening. My experience has taught me and shown me that praying is all I can do in such situations. The serenity prayer comes to mind, and how nearly seven years ago I clung to it, recited it to the point that I thought it would break. God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference... I must accept anything outside of myself. I am all that I can change. I do not always possess the wisdom to know the difference...Grace enters the equation sometimes and I find peace.