A beautiful Saturday unfolds before me- hawks overhead early that appear to be nesting above the house, coffee on the porch, a fire burning since this morning, and a general laziness that included a nap.


It's been a week since my most bizarre Halloween - a friend request and an hour plus conversation with someone unexpected about a mutual former partner, drinking, drugging, and those unusual mean spirited twists that arise everyone and again. But by grace that is not my life today..


That left me feeling thankful. I reached out to cloud man and that left me baffled. The joy of seeing him was quickly eaten by the words that spewed from his mouth- that my concern prevented him from struggling and his subsequent resentment, his undying love for the man he was sleeping with while dating me, the "committed to being committed" was merely a way to protect others. I guess those words explain so well him taking me to the lair of Earthhaven when I was diagnosed with shingles, or the constant letting me know how broke he was and how he couldn't eat, or how he manipulated a few tires out of my wallet- the list is long, and the short of it is that he met or exceeded every word sent to me in warning. Stole my heart and parted with unkind words.


I'm still processing both conversations and realizing that I'm ok. At the end of the day I fall asleep soundly; conscience clear.


So I smoke a cigarette, look at the view and smile - all in all, everything is ideal.

Waking to a cool September morning. The scent of rain lingers in the air. 

It is Friday morning, 5am. I am sipping coffee and beginning the day. It has been an interesting week. My belly is calming down and returning to normalcy. 

Interactions with the magical blue eyed vanishing man have been sluggish  and strange to say the least. Plans to meet on Monday were met with death threats by Prince Otter. I waited in town for him to arrive and  finally returned home. Later I received a message that when he attempted to leave, PO said he would kill himself. Plans were made for Tuesday. Tuesday arrived, again a no show. The reason was given that PO had driven the car over a log while parking and it was stuck. Plans were made for Wednesday. He showed up. We met at Sbux and chatted slightly as another friend was there. James had an obligation downtown and asked me to go with him. I did. We had dinner with another friend which was lovely- it had been a while since i enjoyed a good Thai meal.We left dinner and went to the botanical gardens at UNCA. It was dark, We talked. He played the guitar for me and sang a new dark, sad song. The discrepancies in his tale and inconsistencies were discussed. 

He spoke of being scared and of running. He spoke of loving me, He told of fear and trying to care for PO. He said he missed m. We kissed. The spark was still there. He returned to Home on the Hill with me. We talked and held each other. The feeling of being held by him and of holding him was wonderful. The weirdness of the two previous weeks melted away. There lingered on him a strange chemical smell and taste that I can not identify. Sleeping next to him was peaceful and calming. 

We awoke to begin my day. He is not a morning person and in fact would like nothing more than to sleep until noon or later, and stay up until the wee hours. His incoherent rant about mornings, dreams and life at 6 am were amusing, albeit dark. His forecast for humanities is tinted by his dreams that foresee a mass extinction, death and disease. Something switched in route and he gabbed my hand, repeatedly thanked me and told me that he loved me. We shared beverages at Sbux before I headed to work. We discussed getting together after  work and him staying with me again tonight. 

The work day was difficult as the previous days waking hours far outweighed the rest. I trudged on. At lunch I noticed I had missed a call. I called him and he state she had butt dialed me. We chatted. He said he was going to interact with PO and help him get into treatment on the condition that he wrote a letter discussing a desire for sobriety. He asked that I stay in town because he would like to see me after work.

I arrived at Sbux like normal and met with a friend, and then another. I tried to call a few times and he did not answer. I ran some errands and around 6:30 headed home. He called and we chatted. The demeanor and words were completely changed. Our paths were different. He loved me but not romantically. I asked about how he could change so quickly from this morning and this afternoons reassurances of love to his newfound utterances of contradictions. He is twenty and his moods are shifted by the omens and interactions of his world.  Plans were made for Saturday. I asked forgiveness for having expectations. He said I was helping him to be a better human.

So I sip my coffee and realize that I am venturing into this with the idea that maybe this time will be different. Einsteins words come to mind about insanity. I guess I have a better understanding about being crazy in love. My rational brain says run like hell and my heart intercede with the advice to love him, and be patient.  I am stuck somewhere in the middle. I am also realizing that if I decide to continue with this interactions I need to find a higher level of acceptance when his words and actions are not congruent. I need also remind my self frequently that I am interacting with a being whose life experiences are different than my own and that the 26 spins around the sun that separate us are in fact real. 

I thank the universe for the lessons, the teachers, the experiences. I see that having a 20 year old boyfriend is not a good idea, and that having a 20 year lover could be. How to separate my heart from my groin, as they have tended to run in unison for the span of my adult years. He is a beautiful man with whom I have connected. He is a teacher. I am the student. Acceptance is the answer... it is as it is....

So I've been attempting to maintain some sort of relationship with Cirrus. I care for him- beyond sexually-

I must remind myself that I joined into an interaction with a twenty year old. And while he is intelligent on some levels, he is ignorant on others and lacks life experiences to date merely limited by his age and upbringing. He is a beautiful child of God and he is also damaged. I am saddened thinking of the pain he carries inside.

Our last few interactions have been strained, as I grapple with feeling deeply for him and the fact that it is not reciprocated. I have concerns for his safety and well being and that is a liability to him. My concern prevented him from struggling, or so I was told last night. And that concern is another reason for his behavior and resentment of me. It was also revealed that what had been an infedelity with Prince Otter while he was "committed to being committed" to me and us, is now in reality a regular sexual interaction. There is a bond called love forged through their mutual homelessness and struggle.

What was revealed during our last interaction of him joining a couple as the third wheel has now morphed yet again in a short span of time.

It feels as though he does not wish for us to remain close as I had hoped. My feelings for him - that he is more than a hustler looking for sex and a meal- are met with defiance and contempt.

He appears to drop a new bomb each time we interact. He has grown cold and distant. He weaves words that create such beautiful images- the fibers have no substance however and so the creation is flimsy and falls apart easily when observed.

He remains an enigma. I swear there is a diagnosis or two in the DSM besides the autism he indicates.

These past interactions remind me of reading "The Unquiet Mind."

After our parting last night I received a series of texts. I've transcribed them here for future reference. I really wish I had recorded these past few conversations and could more accurately weigh them against the period of July through September-

"The only person that means anything if everything means something is yourself. He is the only one that will really stay by you til the end. We all die alone.

It's a lot easier to simply be grateful you're alive than care that someone else is worried that you are not dead. The only thing anyone cares about is themselves. Seeking fulfillment from me is the same as seeking it through sex or drugs. It is ultimately impermanent.

Gaze into the abyss that is father sky when his children are smiling and you remember that you are but so small. The interactions here on earth are so pathetic really minuet that there really isn't any reason to them."

I am baffled.