On this date in 1986 I moved to Asheville, moved in with a man whom I loved, began a life with him.

His name was Hayes. He was ten years my senior, and he loved me. I was 18 ( he thought I was 19 until this day 28 years ago...) I remember bursting into tears as I confessed my true age. He just hugged me and told me we would work it out.

He maintained that outlook and helped me adopt it over the next eighteen years. His passing a decade ago, just shy of our 18th anniversary devastated me. My life unraveled and I drowned my feelings in every available bottle.

I ventured numbly into another relationship unfairly. And while I loved him, my grief welled up and exploded especially while drinking. The toxicity was complete and I grew spiritually dead. I had a drinking problem and we opened a bar. He hated people and worked as the bartender. It was fun and then it sucked. I grew clingy, suspicious and very jealous. He grew weary and distant. We collided in anger doused in booze and cocaine. It wasn't pretty.

Nearly seven years ago I woke up. I saw my reflection in a stainless steel toilet bowl and prayed for help.

Help arrived via 12 step programs. The events leading to my sobering up where horribly painful. The relationship ended abruptly. I wanted to die. I was afraid. I hated what I had become.

So I got sober. I got a new life. I grew to love myself and to love others sans inebriated states. A novel idea.

Fast forward to August 22, 2014- I remain sober and somewhat involved. I have a new home, friends that love me and whom I adore.

I am sitting on my porch at the close of the day listening to cadydids and crickets sing. Occasionally an owl or coyote will chime in adding the chorus.

I find myself in an unusual place. I have been actively pursued by a man 26 years my junior. I have taken a lover who is 20, and I rather enjoy it. He is proving to be a wonderful teacher- the lessons of no attachment seems to be his specialty. I am not the best student, but I trust the universe knows best. The more I struggle the deeper I sink. Relax and it all works. Tense up and fight and I am devoured.

So I light a candle and try to avoid feeling sorry for myself. Yes, it marks what would have been my 28th anniversary. It marks a time long past. I remember Hayes fondly and say thank you for the beautiful life we shared. I am reminded of Michael and the dysfunction we shared in the midst of love. I loved him greatly, still do in fact. While we've not spoken since September 16, 2007, there is not a day that passes that I do not pray for his health, safety and happiness. And then there is Jamez...

I sip my coffee from my porch in Candler, at the base of Mt Pisgah. The magical blue eyed beings are all in my thoughts. Jamez is the latest addition to this club, and he is completely unaware.

I am thankful to be here, to experience this life. That blue heron at Beaver Lake...thank you.

Waking to a Sunday morning. The sound of the ceiling fan whirling mixes with the sound of the coffee pot pumping. The smell of coffee wafts  through the house. I am watching out my bedroom window as the various shades of green come into focus, how the shapes and hues of leaves change as dawn arrives from night, as day slowly awakens.

The past few days have found me filled with discontent. It has been twenty one days since I stopped smoking, and yesterday I gave in to my insane mind and had one. It was horrible,  and tasted disgusting and yet having one somehow quieted that part of my brain that seemed to be causing a raucous.

Also adding to my level of discontent has been a newfound interaction that was of a potential romantic slant. I met a nice guy, we had coffee, went for a walk, had dinner, had brunch with his friends. All seemed to be going well. I was honest with my path- of not drinking or drugging. He indicated a few different ways that he was leaving his party boy days behind him. I enjoyed our conversations, and found it interesting to be interacting with someone so involved with TV, fashion, and music.

As I have many friends in recovery that have relationships with people who are not on this journey, I am not overly concerned when I meet someone who drinks. As the week progressed, the drunk interactions began. A thirty eight minute phone conversation left me frazzled, confused and a little resentful. While I desire to show love and tolerance, I also must practice self care and not accept every invitation I receive to engage with crazy. Needless to say, engaging with inebriation and codependent behaviour reminds me of a previous version of myself, I guess. I am thankful to be able to recognize the transition between then, and now- here versus there, and I am thankful for the reminder to continue forward.

This interaction and the feelings experienced reminds of another time and place. I am thinking of the garden I began planting in West Asheville. In the spring of 2008 I was struggling, I was dazed and confused, hurt and lonely, scared and remorseful, resentful and fear-filled. I began digging. With every feeling that made me uncomfortable, I dug. I amended the soil. I expanded the beds. What started as bare grass, became a swath of tilled soil, a path, a ribbon of planted, flowering loveliness. I found peace in that creation of sacred space. 

So fast forward a few years to the spring of 2014. I am feeling a few of those same feelings. I am in a new place, living with a friend, learning about myself and interacting with others. The reminder to work on my garden is timely- to create and nurture the sacred space, to tend to it and myself.  Thank you universe for the reminders.

I drove into town to see a friend and go to their yard sale - as I drove down my old street I spied the couple who bought my house last year. We had not yet met.



I stopped, introduced myself and spent the next hour walking around the yard, and seeing what they have done.



I had dreaded meeting them and have avoided doing so. I am glad that spirit had other plans. As my friend rightly noted, it feels like closure to a hurt.



So I am basking in the sunshine, sipping coffee and avoiding smoking... No casualties yet 😉