28 years

On this date in 1986 I moved to Asheville, moved in with a man whom I loved, began a life with him.

His name was Hayes. He was ten years my senior, and he loved me. I was 18 ( he thought I was 19 until this day 28 years ago...) I remember bursting into tears as I confessed my true age. He just hugged me and told me we would work it out.

He maintained that outlook and helped me adopt it over the next eighteen years. His passing a decade ago, just shy of our 18th anniversary devastated me. My life unraveled and I drowned my feelings in every available bottle.

I ventured numbly into another relationship unfairly. And while I loved him, my grief welled up and exploded especially while drinking. The toxicity was complete and I grew spiritually dead. I had a drinking problem and we opened a bar. He hated people and worked as the bartender. It was fun and then it sucked. I grew clingy, suspicious and very jealous. He grew weary and distant. We collided in anger doused in booze and cocaine. It wasn't pretty.

Nearly seven years ago I woke up. I saw my reflection in a stainless steel toilet bowl and prayed for help.

Help arrived via 12 step programs. The events leading to my sobering up where horribly painful. The relationship ended abruptly. I wanted to die. I was afraid. I hated what I had become.

So I got sober. I got a new life. I grew to love myself and to love others sans inebriated states. A novel idea.

Fast forward to August 22, 2014- I remain sober and somewhat involved. I have a new home, friends that love me and whom I adore.

I am sitting on my porch at the close of the day listening to cadydids and crickets sing. Occasionally an owl or coyote will chime in adding the chorus.

I find myself in an unusual place. I have been actively pursued by a man 26 years my junior. I have taken a lover who is 20, and I rather enjoy it. He is proving to be a wonderful teacher- the lessons of no attachment seems to be his specialty. I am not the best student, but I trust the universe knows best. The more I struggle the deeper I sink. Relax and it all works. Tense up and fight and I am devoured.

So I light a candle and try to avoid feeling sorry for myself. Yes, it marks what would have been my 28th anniversary. It marks a time long past. I remember Hayes fondly and say thank you for the beautiful life we shared. I am reminded of Michael and the dysfunction we shared in the midst of love. I loved him greatly, still do in fact. While we've not spoken since September 16, 2007, there is not a day that passes that I do not pray for his health, safety and happiness. And then there is Jamez...

I sip my coffee from my porch in Candler, at the base of Mt Pisgah. The magical blue eyed beings are all in my thoughts. Jamez is the latest addition to this club, and he is completely unaware.

I am thankful to be here, to experience this life. That blue heron at Beaver Lake...thank you.