Waking to a cool September morning. Thoughts of a young man are on my mind. My belly is still in an uproar. 

It seems that my fun summer fling has come grindingly to a halt. No communication beyond what appeared as a drunk text on Friday night has left me scratching my head.  It was a fun 6 weeks, it taught me a lot about the generosity of young spirits, the joys of lovingly running my fingers through my lovers hair, the passions ignited and how night can quickly become morning when you sleep and wake next to a person with whom you love. The jump into silence has been hurtful and has really lacked any transition, although I sensed its approach. I had hoped that the 26 years between our experiences could be bridged by communication. While all of this sounds good in theory, its day to day integration into lives and circumstances seems more daunting and difficult. The youthful spirit and vitality and their subsequent pursuit of ideals held dear do not really make a lasting union possible. 

So he moves into the category of the amazing vanishing men- joining the ranks of a few other men with whom I have known and felt strongly about over the past nearly seven years. I smile mostly. I am sad, but try to cling to the gratitude of the experiences shared.

A holiday weekend is closing. Monday morning finds me sipping coffee and listening to Spotify. The coffee shop station is tugging at my heart strings as the playlist reminds me of James. The acoustic guitars, the lyrics. I can't help but wonder where he is, whats going on, where is he sleeping, has he eaten...The silence is deafening. My experience has taught me and shown me that praying is all I can do in such situations. The serenity prayer comes to mind, and how nearly seven years ago I clung to it, recited it to the point that I thought it would break. God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference... I must accept anything outside of myself. I am all that I can change. I do not always possess the wisdom to know the difference...Grace enters the equation sometimes and I find peace. 

The abcessed  tooth has led to what feels like shingles... it has been 15 years. The tooth is still bothering me after my 10 day run of antibiotics after the urgent care visit and dentist. The dentist sent me to a specialist, which I will see on the 28th. The nerves are angry on the upper left part of my face. I miss work and go to the doctor. He thinks shingles returning. He gave me the meds for arresting shingles and gave me another antibiotic for the tooth. I am so uncomfortable. The doctor gave me a note for work- I wouldn't be returning until Friday.

I met James afterwards. We got him some used tires as his threadbare ones had wire sticking out of them. He stopped by the bird sanctuary. I took some photos of him on the tree. He lost his lighter on the big tree. He whisked me away to Earth-haven as a way to get me into a stress-free environment, promising a soak in a stream, quiet time alone.

The sentiment and thought behind going were lovely. I tried to decline, he seemed hurt by my hesitation, so I acquiesced. We went in his car. We drove to Old Fort and went through Crooked Creek on our way. Earthhaven is located near the old Camp Elliott where I retreated as a runaway to stay with Barry and Linda.

We arrived in time for the Tuesday evening potluck. Food was low, James retreated repeatedly and left me feeling very alone. It was crowded, I was surrounded by people I did not know. After dinner we walked with Prince Otter through the compound. James wanted to swim and Keith wanted to keep going. I felt lost. We did end up skinny dipping which was nice. My discomfort was grating and still I tried to be present and engaged. I really just wanted to sleep.

We ended up at Keith's place. James and I were to share a bed downstairs. It was chaotic, as Keith played on his computer situated on a desk at the head of the bed. James got lost in a game. Again I felt lost and uncomfortable.  I was edgy, out of my normal comfort place.  The evening drug on until midnight. Retreating to the porch to smoke, I was in awe of the sky above. The Milky Way was magnificent.  I wanted to share it with him, but the game had his attention. At bedtime James and I spoke and I tried to relay my situation; he was hurt by my words and did not understand my conveyances of discomfort on every level made worse by my face. Sleep was not peaceful. We were each restless. It felt good being with him, the air was thick with angst, which killed any peaceful or tranquil feelings.

Morning held an obligation for working on the Sanctuary- a former cob structure that was being repurposed by being wrapped in wire and concreted. I helped as I was able by mixing concrete. We had agreed to be heading back into town by 2. It was fascinating to see the place, to see how structures could be built and reused. It distracted me from my dis-ease. James and Keith worked, we finished up and Keith made some yummy food. I assisted Kris cut up tomatoes while Keith got cleaned up. James vanished and again left me alone. I was hurt- here I was in a very strange place, left to fend for myself. The man whom I followed here seemed clueless and unconcerned. He grew more and more distant. The ride back to town was strained- cramped as four men, luggage and several guitars were all crammed into a car. Looking at my wallet I realized that I had $26 left out of the $200 I had made at Packs. I swear I don't know how I managed to spend that much. I felt defeated, abandoned and broke.

We parted ways on that Wednesday late afternoon at Starbucks. We got back around 5:30. I tried the best I could to apologize for being so  uncomfortable, but I swear he didn't get it. He hasn't had shingles- he doesn't understand that I wanted to peel my face off, to claw my eyes out of their sockets. 

I came home and laid low Thursday. No word from him unless I initiated it. No queries as to my well being. I was left to contemplate our time together. My concern for his safety, well being and being in general are still here- but I am left feeling like it is extremely one sided.  Red flags are waving and still I care, still I find myself loving this young man. I feel him walking away. I do not wish to see him go. What do I do? 

A friend and I went on a photo outing in the River Arts District. Thom and I discovered many beautiful things that day- including this sage advice. I smile,a keen knowing smile, because I know this one word speaks very loudly to me, my path, my journey. Thank you Thom W- That remains a favorite day on my list of favorite days :-)

Another afternoon has allowed for naps. That quiet peaceful time of day that welcomes rest, relaxation and slipping off into the unknown world and realm of dreams.

I dreamt of a Magical Blue Eyed Being again- of a day on the beach- of writing our names in the sand- of hunting for bargains.

Those eyes. Mesmerizing in dreams as they were across the bar. They taught me much about myself and about the world. I will always be thankful. 

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