Friday

Waking early, as normal, to a light dusting of snow. Sipping coffee and watching as night gradually turns to morning.

Plans last night were interrupted by falling snow. I waited around in town, only to hear that it was getting bad out his way. A few minutes later it started at my location. I headed home to blue skies and sunshine. The universe has other plans. We chatted via text until 11 or so. Nice, some playful, some serious, some sexual. We had plans to meet this morning before he went to work- his first stop morphed into much more and now we're slated for dinner. 

One my way home last night I chatted with M. That didn't go so well. We each experienced the same situation differently. It is not the first time. I am apparently in the wrong. That too is not the first time. An outburst directed at a newbie was inappropriate in my opinion. I am allowed to have an opinion. It was not kind, was not necessary, and was not in fact truthful. Couple the outburst to the negative talk about the same person over dinner a few nights earlier, and I see things a little differently. 

I've been pretty low key- coming back home to conserve resources, but also coming home because I was disappointed. I am also filled with so many doubts and find myself wondering WTF?

I am 47. I am being chased by someone 25. 25 and deeply devoted to faith and family. 25 and a hostage- emotionally, and financially to a belief system that differ radically from his own life. 25 and he has been convinced that being gay is a choice and that if his faith is strong enough, he too can be straight. This has all the trappings of heartbreak. Maybe a good screenplay. I am attracted to him- I enjoy him, his company. I would enjoy bearing witness to his journey. I would like to join him. 

So, am I delusional? Am I riding that train, high on dopamine, oxytocin, and a myriad of other chemicals rushing through my body, flooding my brain? Does my heart race thinking of him, yes. I notice too that I respond with disappointment when plans don't jive. Is disappointment normal? My ability to bounce back from that is not as quick as I would like, and I really don't like that feeling. 

So I am seeing a possible pattern here. I like being with someone. I like being flooded with the chemicals involved with meeting someone, cuddling, kissing, making out, making plans. I enjoy the sense of joy and well being that accompany such things. 

Like my experience with MPS. Being mostly flooded with joy, well being, desire, connection. Reinforced by kissing, making out, making love. Getting drunk, sometimes arguing, having threats of leaving, being bombarded with negative emotions, having the fear of him leaving reactivated regularly. That sucked. Making up erased all of that. Holding him, kissing him, making love. Cycle that out over two years, and voila it ended. Suddenly,violently.  The negative emotions trigger separation anxiety, fear of losing something, and several other not so logical scenarios. My brain can ride the high of "we're having dinner" only to plan a suicide car crash when those plans change within a few minutes. So is it being flooded and then the sudden removal of the chemicals causing the switch? Is this somehow exacerbated by chantix and not smoking for 10 days or so? 

Mindfulness helps. Meditation helps. Contemplating time with J seems to also help- and I experience this very odd and wonderful sensation when I do. Associating the joyful with him though also seems to reinforce the negative side when things happen differently than I want, hope or plan.

SO here I am- 47 and incapable of interacting intimately with other humans. Wanting it so badly, and being completely ineffective in the execution. I am a stunted man :-)

And so it goes... maybe some more coffee will help....