Rising, crashing, burning, reborn. Rinse, repeat

"At the moment of the wakening to love, an object, apparently without, 'passes [in the words of Joyce] into the soul forever.…And the soul leaps at the call. To live, to err, to fall, to triumph, to recreate life out of life!' "
Joseph Campbell, The Masks of God, Volume IV: Creative Mythology


Saturday morning, dark and early. Savoring strong coffee in the wee hours, contemplating life. 

I am a little sad. Plans kept being canceled with a handsome young devil. I felt something was afoot, but quelled my fears reassuring myself that I don't know whats really happening. I am after all engaging with a man who has one quarter of a centuries worth of life experience, perhaps honoring commitments isn't really a big thing, or maybe snow, school, work really do have a way of thwarting.

So I got home after a meeting and dinner with a friend, curious as to why I had no word from J. We were to have dinner, but a short text indicated he had to work through dinner break. I guess I had hoped for some sort of followup, an explanation, an attempt to reschedule, something. Of course my ego plays into this equation wholeheartedly, as it is wont to do. Crickets. SO I sent a message saying I hope his night got better, and the response was cryptic- rat race and mouse traps. I asked if there was a chance to see him, and his response was "not in the near future unfortunately." Guilt, shame, fear, family, obligations, parents paying for 2nd college, religion. Bam. The injured part of me lashed out saying "that  I am sure I won't be the only man at the weekend  house. I hope they are gentle with you." I am definitely not evolving in a manner that I'd like, as I can quickly revert to some vicious faggot with little provocation, when my feelings get hurt. 

I laid low most of the week, savoring the attentions I had been receiving. I enjoyed the rush of chemicals, I enjoyed the newness. J is an interesting mix of wholesomeness with a twist of kink and fetishism. His penchant for underwear (and man does he wear them well), and his familiarity with pornography have, I think, warped his thinking in regards to human sexuality. I wonder if most of his generation will be trying to rectify reality with that which has been created for our viewing pleasure.

So this beautiful man will wander off to complete a degree, struggling to hide and change what he is. Many in this situation have gone before him, many have had the same tale. I wonder if it will be his as well? He will become more involved in his church. He will meet a nice girl. They will be married. He will meander into trysts with men. They will have children. His parents and family will be happy. He will unhappy. His job will take him out of town. He will play. He will become sullen and detached at home. He will become more involved with his church. And a negative feedback loop is created and reinforced. 

And so I say thank you to the universe. A brief encounter with a blue eyed beauty has enriched my life. It makes me look internally and see that while progress has been made, I still have a ways to go.