Shingles emerging

The abcessed  tooth has led to what feels like shingles... it has been 15 years. The tooth is still bothering me after my 10 day run of antibiotics after the urgent care visit and dentist. The dentist sent me to a specialist, which I will see on the 28th. The nerves are angry on the upper left part of my face. I miss work and go to the doctor. He thinks shingles returning. He gave me the meds for arresting shingles and gave me another antibiotic for the tooth. I am so uncomfortable. The doctor gave me a note for work- I wouldn't be returning until Friday.

I met James afterwards. We got him some used tires as his threadbare ones had wire sticking out of them. He stopped by the bird sanctuary. I took some photos of him on the tree. He lost his lighter on the big tree. He whisked me away to Earth-haven as a way to get me into a stress-free environment, promising a soak in a stream, quiet time alone.

The sentiment and thought behind going were lovely. I tried to decline, he seemed hurt by my hesitation, so I acquiesced. We went in his car. We drove to Old Fort and went through Crooked Creek on our way. Earthhaven is located near the old Camp Elliott where I retreated as a runaway to stay with Barry and Linda.

We arrived in time for the Tuesday evening potluck. Food was low, James retreated repeatedly and left me feeling very alone. It was crowded, I was surrounded by people I did not know. After dinner we walked with Prince Otter through the compound. James wanted to swim and Keith wanted to keep going. I felt lost. We did end up skinny dipping which was nice. My discomfort was grating and still I tried to be present and engaged. I really just wanted to sleep.

We ended up at Keith's place. James and I were to share a bed downstairs. It was chaotic, as Keith played on his computer situated on a desk at the head of the bed. James got lost in a game. Again I felt lost and uncomfortable.  I was edgy, out of my normal comfort place.  The evening drug on until midnight. Retreating to the porch to smoke, I was in awe of the sky above. The Milky Way was magnificent.  I wanted to share it with him, but the game had his attention. At bedtime James and I spoke and I tried to relay my situation; he was hurt by my words and did not understand my conveyances of discomfort on every level made worse by my face. Sleep was not peaceful. We were each restless. It felt good being with him, the air was thick with angst, which killed any peaceful or tranquil feelings.

Morning held an obligation for working on the Sanctuary- a former cob structure that was being repurposed by being wrapped in wire and concreted. I helped as I was able by mixing concrete. We had agreed to be heading back into town by 2. It was fascinating to see the place, to see how structures could be built and reused. It distracted me from my dis-ease. James and Keith worked, we finished up and Keith made some yummy food. I assisted Kris cut up tomatoes while Keith got cleaned up. James vanished and again left me alone. I was hurt- here I was in a very strange place, left to fend for myself. The man whom I followed here seemed clueless and unconcerned. He grew more and more distant. The ride back to town was strained- cramped as four men, luggage and several guitars were all crammed into a car. Looking at my wallet I realized that I had $26 left out of the $200 I had made at Packs. I swear I don't know how I managed to spend that much. I felt defeated, abandoned and broke.

We parted ways on that Wednesday late afternoon at Starbucks. We got back around 5:30. I tried the best I could to apologize for being so  uncomfortable, but I swear he didn't get it. He hasn't had shingles- he doesn't understand that I wanted to peel my face off, to claw my eyes out of their sockets. 

I came home and laid low Thursday. No word from him unless I initiated it. No queries as to my well being. I was left to contemplate our time together. My concern for his safety, well being and being in general are still here- but I am left feeling like it is extremely one sided.  Red flags are waving and still I care, still I find myself loving this young man. I feel him walking away. I do not wish to see him go. What do I do?